I wrote recently about my experience earning the Master Certified Coach (MCC) credential. The short version: I didn’t really want to, I did it anyway, and listening to recordings of myself coaching was one of the more humbling professional experiences I’ve had in three decades of this work. That was more about what I learned about myself, in the course of also learning new things in my field and related disciplines.
But the dynamic that I sat with later was about how unexpectedly harsh my own inner critique was and that my clients likely did the same. Even as a trained psychologist, I am reminded that I am not inside their own narratives. My focus has always been to make them feel supported by me, to know that I am not there to judge, only assess. Ultimately, that’s still through the lens of my impact on them. I had not considered their own assessment of themselves, and that weight that might carry. And those leaders most willing to learn, might find themselves most disappointed in their self-review.
Leaders truly open to improving themselves, will learn lessons bigger than expected
The senior leaders who choose to work with me tend to arrive with a decent amount of confidence. And honestly, it’s (usually) earned, and that’s totally healthy. But the ones who engage seriously with the coaching process are also putting themselves through something I hadn’t really understood.
I focus on their reaction to me – to external scrutiny, the questions I ask, the frameworks, the assessments. I had not realised the power of the internal scrutiny. The critic they’re running alongside every session, against their own standards, their own sense of who they are and what they’re supposed to know by now. The ones who came to me with the most experience and the most confidence were probably also the ones who were being downright harsh in their assessment. I get it, intellectually. The critic is built from the same experience as the confidence. In the best leaders the same careful lens they put on others, they turn on themselves.
I have also learned, however, that this lesson isn’t all bad. What those leaders learn, as I did, is that both things can be true. New lessons are necessary. Experiences that challenge your thinking, including external analysis and internal calibration, are worthwhile endeavours. Having a professional who can advise you should be supporting both experiences. The first is expected — my clients know I am there to assess and explain and bring new perspective. Being evaluated isn’t the tough part. The second thing I have to do is make sure a leader doesn’t conflate places for growth with absence of expertise.
There is nothing wrong with knowing your worth and acting with confidence. (In fact, not doing so is generally the more unhealthy place to be.) The leaders I work with aren’t struggling with arrogance or imposter syndrome. They simply are trying to improve around the edges. But anyone who cares that much is likely to disappoint themselves. People who achieve at a high level never stop raising their expectations of themselves, which generally leads to even more accomplishments. So the discipline and rigor they apply to themselves works. But like any strength, it’s also the weakness you risk toppling you over mentally.
In my own recent experience with self-assessment, it was a learning process — a valuable one. It helped me appreciate the high expectations I held — and learn to suspend them long enough to challenge the processes they produced. But it also helped me appreciate the same journey my clients have to go on. I tell them that reconnecting with the experience of not being fluent in something, understanding the insecurity of perceived incompetency, truly does help executives relate to less experienced team members. That’s true, and ultimately one of the lessons learned. But it’s the lesson least expected, and that might be what I have a greater appreciation for. And only because I was surprised myself.
If you are working with a coach, or considering it, the external part is probably what you’re focused on. The new frameworks, the outside perspective, the structured challenge to how you’re operating. That’s real and it’s valuable. But it’s not the whole of it.
The internal part is also the work. The critic you bring into the room with you, running alongside every session, holds you to a standard built from everything you’ve accomplished. That critic is not your enemy, it comes from the same place as the leadership and success. But left unmanaged it will take useful information about where you have room to grow and turn it into an indictment of everything you’ve built.
That’s the part I understand better now than I did before. I literally learned this, as I sat in the chair. The final value of that is I understand my clients’ experience better. But also, I feel more confident than ever that what leaders learn, teaches others. And it’s not the actual subject matter that likely will resonate most deeply, but what happens when you challenge your identity and grow. Uncomfortable. And valuable.
